Thursday 17 September 2015
Dear friends, Toby’s and my marriage has just ended.
We have many close friends around us, and Toby and I are supporting each other.
I will do my best to explain things as clearly as possible, as well as take you along for the journey I/we’ve been through in the last two and a half weeks, since Toby came home and told me that he no longer wants to be together.
Shaking as I write this…
This is also a chronicle of our love story, with highlights and some photos, as you’ll see further down below.
Please read everything before you ask any questions, and most importantly: trust and feel – as we do – that all of this is ultimately happening for the best.
I also want to make absolutely clear that by writing about this I wish in no way to place blame on Toby. We went into this with total commitment and truth, and this is how it still is now.
And before you ask: Yes, I’ve been angry. Yes, I’ve felt pissed off. Yes, I’ve expressed all of that to him. My system is still in a kind of shock, from how fast all of this has happened.
I do have an absolute knowing, however, that one day perhaps not so far from now, I’ll look back at this with a smile and see how it all happened with the utmost perfection.
There simply is no way to predict how life moves, and what inner and outer changes might occur.
I still maintain that Toby is the most amazing, loving and beautiful man I’ve ever met, and our love for each other is as deep as ever even now as the form of our relating changes.
Ok, so let’s begin…
I’ve been going through some very deep and intense emotional layers, facing fears, dissolving dreams and letting go.
I’m sad (more than I can ever put in words) to let him go, but I can see with increasing clarity that this is the best way.
My eyes are just coming back to their normal state after 14 days of crying… and shaking, breathing, dancing, punching pillows, screaming, EFT… kundalini fits in the night, and a big amount of general madness.
I’ve been having feelings of drowning, of suffocating, of not being able to breathe…
I’ve watched my mind go as loud and crazy as an uninvited circus on drugs.
… And then sitting in the peace that follows and in the place which is untouched by all of this.
The amazing thing is…
In the midst of all of the psychological chaos and the wild flood of emotions, something has also dropped, and I feel myself more and more as the open space in which it all is happening.
The feelings, the fears, the tears – all of it as welcome – and at the same time dropping deeper and deeper into the place beyond the mind.
Last night I had a feeling of a white, hot fire burning inside me four hours. I sat in complete nothingness, blackness, with no thoughts, and feeling the fire burning me clean.
I don’t know where this will go, and there’s nor is there any need to, but my feeling is that all of this is opening “me” up to a freedom greater than anything I’ve ever touched before.
Toby has stayed in our apartment to hold me through this, me sometimes also holding him, as well as to give us time to process and get clear on all the things that have been stirred up.
It was a mutual decision to stay together, and this gentle fading out of our connection feels much better than the typical “oh, so I guess this is it, ehm, I’ll pack my things and be out tomorrow” scenario.
We’ve still been sleeping in an embrace most nights, we lead our last Tantric Massage Masterclass together last weekend, and we’ve kept on making love until just a few days ago.
So far our connection is still filled with love as we transition into friendship. We honor, respect and value each other immensely.
Lovingly ruthless honesty
The more Toby and I have shared and talked – the more the rose colored glasses have come off and nothing-held-back honesty has entered – the more I can see that it is actually better for us to dissolve our relationship.
I used to believe in soulmates, finding “the one” etc. And now… now I don’t know, it depends on how we define it.
Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat.Pray.Love.) said, on Oprah, that a soulmate is someone who comes into your life to mirror and transform you, shake you up and change you, and then they might need to leave.
The “success” of the relationship is then not defined by its longevity but by how fully we gave ourselves to the love, teachings and and unfolding of our dynamic.
It has become clear that everything – everything – we did was completely right in the moment.
What feels truest now is that we needed to live the romantic dream together – totally and fully – and then let it go.
People who know us have said that we are “the most in love two people they’ve ever met”. We used to speak of ourselves as the happiest couple on the planet (and other planets), and that they’ll have to keep on expanding the universe quickly, to fit the amount of love we feel for each other.
When we first met it felt like to not make love and to not be together would be like trying to hold back the Niagara falls with a paper cup, or run away from the sky.
When we got engaged and married we were so in love and it felt so right. We couldn’t imagine that we’d ever not feel that way.
Toby dedicated a poetry book of love to me. He gave me his grandmother’s wedding ring, we planned to build a house and retreat center in the Pyrennées…
We had even spoken about dying together in each other’s arms when we’re old, and have our ashes blended together with earth and a tree growing to keep us united even after death.
You now what I mean? We had the full fucking package…
… and look where that got us.
So what can we trust? The guarantees and promises made by us and other people?
The total mystery and perfection of this life?
In promising our lives to each other we placed a “full stop” on something that has to be a living process. But life doesn’t work that way.
All I know is that life is wild, wonderful and unpredictable!
And if I ever get married again the commitment will have to be, to stay true to the love in the connection in the moment.
A commitment to show up totally and to give everything, but also be wise enough to see that whatever is felt and expressed in completely true in the moment when it’s spoken, and no matter how sincere our intentions are, we only ever really now what feels true right now.
Our love was like a phoenix bird that was born, grew, flew, crashed and burned… and now we’re seeing what rises from the ashes…
One of the most important realizations that have come to me in this is this:
Everything that happens – just by the fact that it is happening – has already been accepted by existence/life itself.
The ONLY reason I experience emotional suffering is because in that moment I’m not in acceptance of reality as it is.
I’m having an opinion (“this shouldn’t be happening!”) that is out of alignment with the way source/consciousness/the all-that-is sees the same situation.
It is ALWAYS a perfect movement of the whole, always a perfect opening of life. Even when it feels fucking painful and “wrong” from the current limited perspective.
I now feel the trust that whatever this is… it is all an invitation to connect deeper with the love that is in everything and in/as me.
The pain I’m feeling is not my heart breaking, but a shell around my heart, cracking open so that I can love even more.
And just in the same way that life brought me Toby as a reflection of my (then) current state of openness, clarity and love… now as I open even more, and have become much clearer, wiser, more deeply rested in love – as well as more mature in my choices and seeing where I’ve been holding back – so will life continue to reflect that to me.
We have experienced more adventures and shared deeper love in 1,5 year than most people do in their entire lifetime.
We had the courage to say YES and we see this, not as a failure, but simply the way this journey continues.
We lived the dream with such beauty, love and innocence – and now life takes us in a different direction.
We were (still are) very harmonious, and it was the most beautiful love story ever.
And now, for our growth, for our freedom, for the different directions that life is taking us – we have to let each other go.
In our time together we’ve seen the Himalayas, held hands laying in the ocean under the stars, made love on the beach and in the snow and in a cloud.
We got married by a waterfall in Thailand, swam across a lake in Portugal, held each other all through the night in 12 countries.
We’ve laughed and cuddled, danced and caressed, made love and kissed, and seen the love, innocence and beauty in each other.
We’ve exposed the most vulnerable parts of ourselves to each other. We’ve grown, gone through layers, and become wiser and clearer.
We share memories from rivers, forests, mountains and motorbikes. Europe, Thailand, Bali, Malaysia and Nepal…
We met on a dance floor on Koh Phangan in March 2014.
Three days in he said that he was totally, madly and completely in love with me.
I felt that what I experienced with him was deeper than anything I had ever even come remotely close to in intimacy.
We spent 18 days in bliss on that island, followed by 2,5 months apart until we both landed back in Europe again.
He moved in with me in Utrecht (NL) in June, we got tattooed together two weeks later, and 3 weeks after that he asked me to be his wife:
A few weeks before our wedding (click on “see more”):
We got married, on the day, exactly 10 months after we met.
Our wedding ceremony took place in front of a waterfall on Koh Phangan in Thailand.
The celebration party was at the Dome Steam Room & Lounge in the jungle.
With raw food, chocolate, fire poi, hang drum, belly dance, bollywood dance, African drums, live music, family and lots of friends…
(To view all wedding photos go to http://2rings.pass.us/
Password: forlove )
Now after less than 8 months of being husband and wife we go separate ways and dive into the total unknown once again.
Our entire love story has been incredibly deep and fast – and so it is now as well when we dissolve our union.
Some adventures in photos…
Update – Friday 18 September 2015
The last night before Toby’s departure, and after our ‘completion ceremony’…
A message of love and freedom from Toby & Ronja:
(if you don’t watch or read anything else on this page, just watch this)
Somehow this is life working a miracle even though we can’t see it.
And so trust that – and love.
Love the beauty of the lesson.
Love the opportunity that we have in this life,
on this playground that we call earth,
to discover the depth of the beauty that we already are.
– Tiger Singleton
The Sensual Yogini…
As a side note, this has all happened in the middle of the launch for my Sensual Yogini Online Academy.
This came to me, as I was feeling into the Sensual Yogini Online Academy and how I can continue with the launch even now as my “soul mate marriage” is over:
To be a Sensual Yogini for me means diving fearlessly into whatever life brings, to follow the resonance of what feels the most expansive, true and loving, and to live in the surrendered trust and knowing that life has our back, we’re never alone, and we’re always all-one with the mystery and source of all that is.
Update 20 September:
Toby left yesterday, for a retreat on Gran Canaria, and tomorrow morning I’m flying to France to be with my friends Layla Martin and Andrew Simpson.
No clue what comes next, but whatever it is, there’s no way that all of what is happening can’t end up exposing more and deeper love.