Toby & Ronja Sebastian – a love story…
From love at first kiss, to the conscious completion of our marriage, and opening of love

Toby & Ronja Sebastian – a love story…
From love at first kiss, to the conscious completion of our marriage, and opening of love

Thursday 17 September 2015

Dear friends, Toby’s and my marriage has just ended.

We have many close friends around us, and Toby and I are supporting each other.

I will do my best to explain things as clearly as possible, as well as take you along for the journey I/we’ve been through in the last two and a half weeks, since Toby came home and told me that he no longer wants to be together.

Shaking as I write this…


This is also a chronicle of our love story, with highlights and some photos, as you’ll see further down below.

Please read everything before you ask any questions, and most importantly: trust and feel – as we do – that all of this is ultimately happening for the best.

I also want to make absolutely clear that by writing about this I wish in no way to place blame on Toby. We went into this with total commitment and truth, and this is how it still is now.

And before you ask: Yes, I’ve been angry. Yes, I’ve felt pissed off. Yes, I’ve expressed all of that to him. My system is still in a kind of shock, from how fast all of this has happened.

I do have an absolute knowing, however, that one day perhaps not so far from now, I’ll look back at this with a smile and see how it all happened with the utmost perfection.

There simply is no way to predict how life moves, and what inner and outer changes might occur.

I still maintain that Toby is the most amazing, loving and beautiful man I’ve ever met, and our love for each other is as deep as ever even now as the form of our relating changes.


Ok, so let’s begin…

I’ve been going through some very deep and intense emotional layers, facing fears, dissolving dreams and letting go.

I’m sad (more than I can ever put in words) to let him go, but I can see with increasing clarity that this is the best way.

My eyes are just coming back to their normal state after 14 days of crying… and shaking, breathing, dancing, punching pillows, screaming, EFT… kundalini fits in the night, and a big amount of general madness.

I’ve been having feelings of drowning, of suffocating, of not being able to breathe…

I’ve watched my mind go as loud and crazy as an uninvited circus on drugs.

… And then sitting in the peace that follows and in the place which is untouched by all of this.


The amazing thing is…

In the midst of all of the psychological chaos and the wild flood of emotions, something has also dropped, and I feel myself more and more as the open space in which it all is happening.

The feelings, the fears, the tears – all of it as welcome – and at the same time dropping deeper and deeper into the place beyond the mind.

Last night I had a feeling of a white, hot fire burning inside me four hours. I sat in complete nothingness, blackness, with no thoughts, and feeling the fire burning me clean.

I don’t know where this will go, and there’s nor is there any need to, but my feeling is that all of this is opening “me” up to a freedom greater than anything I’ve ever touched before.


Letting go…

Toby has stayed in our apartment to hold me through this, me sometimes also holding him, as well as to give us time to process and get clear on all the things that have been stirred up.

It was a mutual decision to stay together, and this gentle fading out of our connection feels much better than the typical “oh, so I guess this is it, ehm, I’ll pack my things and be out tomorrow” scenario.

We’ve still been sleeping in an embrace most nights, we lead our last Tantric Massage Masterclass together last weekend, and we’ve kept on making love until just a few days ago.

So far our connection is still filled with love as we transition into friendship. We honor, respect and value each other immensely.

Lovingly ruthless honesty

The more Toby and I have shared and talked – the more the rose colored glasses have come off and nothing-held-back honesty has entered – the more I can see that it is actually better for us to dissolve our relationship.

I used to believe in soulmates, finding “the one” etc. And now… now I don’t know, it depends on how we define it.

Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat.Pray.Love.) said, on Oprah, that a soulmate is someone who comes into your life to mirror and transform you, shake you up and change you, and then they might need to leave.

The “success” of the relationship is then not defined by its longevity but by how fully we gave ourselves to the love, teachings and and unfolding of our dynamic.

It has become clear that everything – everything – we did was completely right in the moment.
What feels truest now is that we needed to live the romantic dream together – totally and fully – and then let it go.
People who know us have said that we are “the most in love two people they’ve ever met”. We used to speak of ourselves as the happiest couple on the planet (and other planets), and that they’ll have to keep on expanding the universe quickly, to fit the amount of love we feel for each other.
When we first met it felt like to not make love and to not be together would be like trying to hold back the Niagara falls with a paper cup, or run away from the sky.
When we got engaged and married we were so in love and it felt so right. We couldn’t imagine that we’d ever not feel that way.
Toby dedicated a poetry book of love to me. He gave me his grandmother’s wedding ring, we planned to build a house and retreat center in the Pyrennées…
We had even spoken about dying together in each other’s arms when we’re old, and have our ashes blended together with earth and a tree growing to keep us united even after death.


You now what I mean? We had the full fucking package…

… and look where that got us.

So what can we trust? The guarantees and promises made by us and other people?

Hell no.

The total mystery and perfection of this life?





In promising our lives to each other we placed a “full stop” on something that has to be a living process. But life doesn’t work that way.

All I know is that life is wild, wonderful and unpredictable!

And if I ever get married again the commitment will have to be, to stay true to the love in the connection in the moment.

A commitment to show up totally and to give everything, but also be wise enough to see that whatever is felt and expressed in completely true in the moment when it’s spoken, and no matter how sincere our intentions are, we only ever really now what feels true right now.

Our love was like a phoenix bird that was born, grew, flew, crashed and burned… and now we’re seeing what rises from the ashes…


One of the most important realizations that have come to me in this is this:

Everything that happens – just by the fact that it is happening – has already been accepted by existence/life itself.

The ONLY reason I experience emotional suffering is because in that moment I’m not in acceptance of reality as it is.

I’m having an opinion (“this shouldn’t be happening!”) that is out of alignment with the way source/consciousness/the all-that-is sees the same situation.

It is ALWAYS a perfect movement of the whole, always a perfect opening of life. Even when it feels fucking painful and “wrong” from the current limited perspective.


I now feel the trust that whatever this is… it is all an invitation to connect deeper with the love that is in everything and in/as me.

The pain I’m feeling is not my heart breaking, but a shell around my heart, cracking open so that I can love even more.

And just in the same way that life brought me Toby as a reflection of my (then) current state of openness, clarity and love… now as I open even more, and have become much clearer, wiser, more deeply rested in love – as well as more mature in my choices and seeing where I’ve been holding back – so will life continue to reflect that to me.







Love Toby & Ronja Sebastian



Our love…


We have experienced more adventures and shared deeper love in 1,5 year than most people do in their entire lifetime.

We had the courage to say YES and we see this, not as a failure, but simply the way this journey continues.

We lived the dream with such beauty, love and innocence – and now life takes us in a different direction.

We were (still are) very harmonious, and it was the most beautiful love story ever.

And now, for our growth, for our freedom, for the different directions that life is taking us – we have to let each other go.

In our time together we’ve seen the Himalayas, held hands laying in the ocean under the stars, made love on the beach and in the snow and in a cloud.

We got married by a waterfall in Thailand, swam across a lake in Portugal, held each other all through the night in 12 countries.

We’ve laughed and cuddled, danced and caressed, made love and kissed, and seen the love, innocence and beauty in each other.

We’ve exposed the most vulnerable parts of ourselves to each other. We’ve grown, gone through layers, and become wiser and clearer.

We share memories from rivers, forests, mountains and motorbikes. Europe, Thailand, Bali, Malaysia and Nepal…


The timeline…

We met on a dance floor on Koh Phangan in March 2014.

Three days in he said that he was totally, madly and completely in love with me.

I felt that what I experienced with him was deeper than anything I had ever even come remotely close to in intimacy.

We spent 18 days in bliss on that island, followed by 2,5 months apart until we both landed back in Europe again.

He moved in with me in Utrecht (NL) in June, we got tattooed together two weeks later, and 3 weeks after that he asked me to be his wife:

Will you marry me?

Posted by Toby Sebastian on Sunday, July 20, 2014

Freshly engaged <3 <3 Restaurant Delano in Utrecht. Yesterday evening… The big question: Ronja, will you marry me?…

Posted by Ronja Sebastian on Tuesday, July 15, 2014

One year anniversary today!! <3 <3 I love you, my love xxx

Posted by Ronja Sebastian on Friday, March 6, 2015



A few weeks before our wedding (click on “see more”):

Fuck… the intensity of this keeps on increasing… I’m so in love I don’t know what to do or where to go with this!!… <3…

Posted by Ronja Sebastian on Tuesday, December 16, 2014


The sacred union of a dakini and a monk….Beloved Ronja and Toby ,Your love and devotion for one another will help…

Posted by Imaya Sabine on Thursday, January 8, 2015


Wedding Thank you loveWe got married, on the day, exactly 10 months after we met.

Our wedding ceremony took place in front of a waterfall on Koh Phangan in Thailand.

The celebration party was at the Dome Steam Room & Lounge in the jungle.

With raw food, chocolate, fire poi, hang drum, belly dance, bollywood dance, African drums, live music, family and lots of friends…

(To view all wedding photos go to

Password: forlove )

Now after less than 8 months of being husband and wife we go separate ways and dive into the total unknown once again.

Our entire love story has been incredibly deep and fast – and so it is now as well when we dissolve our union.


View More:

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Some adventures in photos…



Update – Friday 18 September 2015

The last night before Toby’s departure, and after our ‘completion ceremony’…

A message of love and freedom from Toby & Ronja:

(if you don’t watch or read anything else on this page, just watch this)

10 mins


Somehow this is life working a miracle even though we can’t see it.
And so trust that – and love.
Just love.
Love the beauty of the lesson.
Love the opportunity that we have in this life,
on this playground that we call earth,
to discover the depth of the beauty that we already are.

– Tiger Singleton


The Sensual Yogini…

As a side note, this has all happened in the middle of the launch for my Sensual Yogini Online Academy.

This came to me, as I was feeling into the Sensual Yogini Online Academy and how I can continue with the launch even now as my “soul mate marriage” is over:

To be a Sensual Yogini for me means diving fearlessly into whatever life brings, to follow the resonance of what feels the most expansive, true and loving, and to live in the surrendered trust and knowing that life has our back, we’re never alone, and we’re always all-one with the mystery and source of all that is.



Update 20 September:

Toby left yesterday, for a retreat on Gran Canaria, and tomorrow morning I’m flying to France to be with my friends Layla Martin and Andrew Simpson.

No clue what comes next, but whatever it is, there’s no way that all of what is happening can’t end up exposing more and deeper love.


Thank you.





  1. meike September 20, 2015 at 10:16 pm - Reply

    Dearest Beautiful Fearless Ronja, thank you and Toby so much for sharing this so passionately. You are an example to us all. I (again) bow for you both. May life offer you some rest and kindness now. Thank you. Meike
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  2. Carrie September 21, 2015 at 1:51 am - Reply

    Thank you for your openness, honesty and transparency. This approach and your beautiful video is an inspiration. How beautiful it is to walk your path and share your truth to uplift others. Love to you both.

  3. Kirstin September 21, 2015 at 6:46 am - Reply

    Thank you for sharing but the question still lingers in me of “why did Toby want to end the relationship?” you haven’t written anything about that. Did he grow out of love and just start feeling friendship for you or what happened for him??

  4. Leonie September 21, 2015 at 4:29 pm - Reply

    Wonderful. Yes, Yes, YES. I deeply adore your deep surrender to Love and really admire and appreciate you for sharing this so openly. Thank you so much. Loads of Love to you both & a wonderful time and journey in France I wish you ♥ ♥ ♥

  5. Evelynn September 22, 2015 at 11:52 am - Reply

    I believe that we have eternal amount of soulmates. That we are meeting The One many times.
    The One is only the One in that moment or in that period of time where he or she best can mirror you.
    The One and you can be in total bliss with each other in one day, and the next day your Soul Purpose can tell you that the One is someone completely else.
    And next day again the first one can be the One again ;)
    We are all connected.

    the key is, Love your Self.
    Time is just an illusion :)

  6. Jan Alinski September 23, 2015 at 7:00 am - Reply

    En sån stark, berörande och fin berättelse om er kärlek Ronja…
    En kärlek som på alla sätt hade alla förutsättningar för att vara för evigt. Svårt att förstå att det slutar som det gör…
    Men något ännu bättre väntar på Din väg Ronja. För en så underbar människa som Du är Ronja är allt möjligt och öppet…

    Jag är tacksam och glad för att du kom in i mitt liv och att jag fått möjligheten att följa dig under alla år. Du har förmågan att berika mitt och andras liv…

    En stor och värmande kram med kärlek och stärkande tankar skickar jag till dig!

    Din Janne

  7. Georgina September 23, 2015 at 4:37 pm - Reply

    Thank you for this amazing inspiration… I am deeply touched. I can see that you still deeply love each other, and the only thing I do not understand id: WHY did Toby feel he had to leave…
    Am sure you left this out on purpose and it might nog make any difference, but it shakes me up to see two people who obviously love and care for each other SO much, cannot continue on together… MUCH LOVE!!! G

  8. Anne Buiskool September 30, 2015 at 10:11 am - Reply

    Dear and beloved Toby and Ronja
    Deep bow. Ronja This is really amazing how you both give words to this proces!

    Ik help parents to divorce consciously and respectfully and this really is university level divorcing. A lot of people might not understand, some will and that will be your gift. Thank you so much and I would like to get in Touch with both of you.In the meanwhile I have send it to one couple that are divorcing right now and and in a response she thanked me and said she loved your video. Thank you for expressing your way of understanding life itself, death, infinity, purpose.Love you.
    Anne Jiko

    • Ronja Sebastian September 30, 2015 at 5:41 pm - Reply

      Thank you for sharing, Anne! I have no reference, but thank you for those warm words.
      I’m glad to hear that we have been able to inspire others too.
      Toby and I are still best friends and love each other as deeply as ever. <3
      Much love,

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